I don’t claim to know all the secrets of good fathering. What I do know, after speaking with scores of striving fathers, is that the practices below were mentioned over and over. They were described in different words, using different examples, but they kept coming up. So I started taking notes. Below is my best effort to distill what I’ve learned, so far, from better fathers than me.
Before we get to the fathering habits, I need to tell you something that may feel discouraging. Please bear with me. You’re probably reading this because you want to become a better father. I commend you for that. I’m striving, too, and so are a lot of other men. You’re not alone.
What we each must face, however, is that none of us is going to experience fatherhood transformation as a result of our good intentions, or momentary inspiration, or even the deep feelings of love we have for our children.
It’s a bitter truth, but men all around us — all around the world — are failing their children every day. Many of these fathers mean well, and have momentary bouts of inspiration to do better. But becoming better fathers isn’t a matter of intentions or feelings, it’s a matter of doing.
Many of us know what it’s like to slide, action by action, day by day, into habits we’re ashamed of. The good news is that this habit stuff can also work in our favor. It’s possible, with just a little daily effort, to develop the habits of good, intentional fathering.
With that in mind, Intentional Fathering is designed to be like exercise: You get out of it what you put into it. If you only do it when you feel inspired, you’re going to be miserable and unfit. If you commit to doing it — even just a little bit — on a regular basis, you’re going to get lasting results.
About the habits — there’s no secret formula; most of them will seem like common sense. If only common sense were more common, right? And more widely practiced. Practice is what we’ll be all about here — not just yapping about being better fathers, but putting in the daily effort.
Before you begin to work on the habits below, I strongly urge you to look at some of the habit-building resources I put together for you. Changing habits requires some infrastructure if you want it to stick.
Finally, in the spirit of transparency, I should note that this daily practice stuff isn’t original with me. I ripped it off from Ben Franklin, who took his inspiration from Aristotle. The basic idea is to calendar habits we want to work on (those guys called them Virtues), spend a week on each, then repeat. Twelve habits, twelve weeks.
Okay, enough preambling. Here we go:
Habit One: Practice gratitude
Give thanks, at the start and end of each day, for the good things in your life. This gets your mind off your wants, your wounds, your ego. It primes you to focus on other people, rather than yourself. Every strong father I’ve talked to is filled with gratitude. For more on practicing gratitude, click here.
Habit Two: Listen
Even before they know how to talk, your children are trying to communicate with you. They want to know you. They want you to know them. But many of us tune them out, often more than we realize. Cultivate the habit of truly hearing your children. Look them in the eyes. Don’t assume you know what they really think and feel. Listen as if you’re meeting them for the first time. For more on how to listen well, click here.
Habit Three: Share meals
Eating with someone builds intimacy, and opens the door for communication. Of course this is only true so long as no one has his face glued to a digital screen. You don’t need to have elaborate conversation plans teed up to make this habit work, you just have to break bread with your children while all the digital devices are off. For more on sharing meals, click here.
Habit Four: Praise good actions
Every child yearns for approval. But we don’t want to be in the business of praising our children for traits (how cute they are, how smart they are), rather, we want to praise them for admirable actions. How hard they studied for that test, the way they helped someone in need, their good attitude when asked to clean their rooms. Dial back the criticism. Focusing on affirming the good things your kids do. For more on the power of praise, click here.
Habit Five: Share your life
We men are especially prone to being silent and guarded. How can we expect to have relationships of trust, especially as our children get older, if we don’t let them know us? Develop the habit of telling your kids about your day, about your childhood, about your interests. Listen to how you speak, because the attitude you bring to these stories — be it gratitude, humor, or bitterness — will be a lens through which they view their own lives. For more on how to share your life with your children, click here.
Habit Six: Make them do hard things
By obsessing over protecting children and building up their self-esteem, too many Americans have sheltered their kids from the very struggles they need in order to become confident, skilled adults. This is rooted in parental selfishness, and a desire to avoid the heartache of seeing our children suffer. Good fathers step outside their comfort zones to help their children learn to venture outside theirs. To learn more about the value of making children do hard things, click here.
Habit Seven: Bring them alongside
Where you invest your time says far more about what you love than any words you can utter. So make your children a part of your everyday life. Never run an errand alone. Never do a chore or home improvement project alone. Bring your children alongside, and practice patience as you not only teach them how to do things, but to cherish the calling of adulthood. For more on bringing your children alongside, click here.
Habit Eight: Come alongside
This is the bookend to Habit Seven. Bringing your children alongside you teaches them both good attitude (so long as your own attitude is right!) and a vision for adulthood. Coming alongside them, on the other hand — as they play, or do chores, or just sit bored in their rooms — teaches them to embrace where they are. This is critical if they’re going to learn contentment and gratitude. Perhaps more important, it demonstrates that you love them and want to be with them. For more on how to come alongside your children in their daily lives, click here.
Habit Nine: Serve others together
It’s not just good fathering to orient oneself to the service of others, it’s good personhood. This habit kills three birds with one stone — you put yourself in situations where you are focused on people other than yourself, you model service to your children, and you do something alongside them. For more on serving others together, click here.
Habit Ten: Be true to your word
Our words can only mean as much to our children as they mean to us. Everything we want to teach them is rooted in a promise about the future. But the less reliable our promises are—no matter how small and inconsequential they may seem to us—the less reliable is any vision of the future we try to create for our children. Cultivate the practice of making no commitments you won’t keep. Even if it’s just a promise to read your children a book before bedtime, stick to it like your life depends on it. For more on what it looks like to become a man whose words matter, click here.
Habit Eleven: Be as kind as the father you needed
Too many men struggle with anger and impatience. Don’t confuse harshness with strength. Think back on moments when kindness has made a difference in your own childhood. Or when it could have. Be that kind of father for your children. For more on this habit click here.
Habit Twelve: Delight in your children
Fathers, we’ve been given a gift. It’s not going to last. These wondrous, curious, clever, loving little creatures are ours, and for no rational reason whatsoever, they love us. Watch them. Listen to them. See the world through their eyes. Let joy back into your heart. For more on why we should delight in our children, click here.