Viktor Frankl, who survived Nazi extermination camps that took the lives of his wife, parents, and brother, came out of that horrific ordeal trying to understand why people should persevere in the face of suffering. I was deeply moved by the short book that resulted, Man’s Search for Meaning, and in particular this quote:
Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather he must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.
Frankl also wrote that self-absorbed people are inherently unhappy, because genuine meaning in life isn’t found in serving oneself, but in orienting one’s life toward others. All that love thy neighbor stuff may not just be about getting into heaven, but about having peace on earth as well.
Several years ago, I was stuck in a really stressful place in life: money was tight; I felt disconnected from my kids; I was in a relatively new second marriage with all the complications that entails; work felt overwhelming; a writing career was going nowhere. I’d heard about panic attacks, but I’d never experienced one. I was in my pickup when all of a sudden my skin got clammy, my hands started shaking, and the next thing I knew, I was throwing up into an old grocery bag someone (thankfully!) had left on the floorboard.
Oh, and did I mention my grandmother was dying? Like I said, stressful. Well, I knew I was no good for work or much of anything else, so I figured I might as well go sit with Grandma. On the way, I stopped at the grocery store and bought her some flowers. I ended up sitting with her for a couple of hours. We talked a bit, about the kids and other things—but certainly not about my problems, because how do you yap to someone in hospice about how stressful your own life is? Then I read the Bible to her until she fell asleep. She was pretty hard of hearing, so she kept saying, “Louder, Tony,” and so I kept reading louder, until I’m pretty sure the staff and other residents thought I was in there trying to forcibly convert the woman.
And the point to all this is, as I was leaving, even though nothing about my life had changed, it was like it had changed. I’d gotten outside my self-absorption for a couple of hours. My steps felt lighter, my stomach felt fine. Even though it was tremendously sad, knowing that soon Grandma would pass on, in doing just a tiny bit of service for her—far less than all she did for me—I was better off. It was like a cleansing.
Isn’t that something important for our children to learn? That life can be richer and more rewarding when they orient themselves to others? I mean, that’s what love ultimately is, right? Loving someone more than yourself?
But we’re hardwired to be selfish—as anyone who’s ever spent time around a toddler can attest. Loving others—as a set of meaningful actions, not a sentiment—takes practice. And if we don’t teach our children to love and care for and at least occasionally serve others, we are setting them up for lives of misery.
Like the rest of the habits the comprise Intentional Fathering, I’m not great at this. Between school and sports and work, our lives are so busy. But that’s all the more reason to make time for serving others. Because the busy excuse is how most of us get away most of our lives with ignoring our neighbors, our friends, our own families.
So like everything else, we build up this habit with baby steps. My wife and I have done things with the kids like assemble bags with hats, gloves, water, and fast-food coupons, to hand out to homeless people in winter. We’ve served a meal in a homeless shelter. We cut up huge tree limbs that fell in our neighbor lady’s yard. I’ll remember all those moments, because it felt so good to do something together, something that I knew had meaning. It felt good to see my children be kind to strangers, and to see how that in turn lit them up.
And of course there are ample opportunities to serve one another, in the home. Remember that the goal here is to do these acts of service with our children, because they’re little hypocrisy detectors. It’s one thing to command a kid to do something nice for someone; it’s another thing entirely to join him in that service act. Just like every other virtue we want them to embrace, we have to live it out ourselves.
But there could be worse things than getting outside ourselves from time to time, loving the people around us, right dads?
Far worse things.
Additional Resources
9 Ways to Help Others During the Coronavirus Pandemic. Alexis Perrotta at the Idealist offers some practical advice with lots of useful links.
10 Ways to Serve Others as a Family. Jackie Bledsoe at All Pro Dad offers ideas to get your family into the game when it comes to serving others.
5 Ways to Serve Others with Your Children. Erin Odom of The Humbled Homemaker has good and easy ideas to get your kids serving others.
Charitable Care Clinics. Find and volunteer at a local clinic offering medical and dental services to the uninsured.
Feeding America Database. Type in your zip code to find a food bank near you.
Meals on Wheels. Find out how to provide food to the vulnerable elderly in your community.
Man’s Search for Meaning. Victor Frankl’s memoir of Holocaust survival and meditation on the meaning of life is essential reading.
Teaching Children to Serve Others. Tabitha at Meet Penny offers service ideas for families on a budget.
Volunteer Match. Type in your location and find dozens of immediate volunteer needs in your community.