Below are links to resources I’ve found helpful in trying to develop my fathering habits. Charles Duhigg’s The Power of Habit in particular is a great primer on what inside our brains lends itself to habit formation, and how we can displace bad habits (e.g., watching TV instead of playing with our kids) with good ones (e.g,. being more intentional in our fathering).
Everything in life worth achieving requires practice.
Thomas Sterner
I also encourage you to download my simple habits checklist. When you read about habit formation, you’ll find as I did that even something simple like making a check mark every time you do a task can train your brain to release dopamine when you do it.
The checklist, in other words, is an easy way to hack your brain to reward you for engaging in Intentional Fathering. If you want to up the ante, pick out something you’ll reward yourself with every week you practice the habit we’re focused on five or more times. Your favorite beer, for example, or a shoeshine. Pick out something nicer to reward yourself with if you complete all twelve weeks of Intentional Fathering and rack up 60 or more habits practices. A round of golf on your favorite course, or a new pair of shoes. Believe it or not, simple rewards plus daily tracking can literally rewire our brains. And as the Chain Method shows, getting a steady string of check marks going is itself a kind of high.
As far as what qualifies for a check mark, it’s simple: any action that is a practice—no matter how “effective” in the moment—of the habit you’re focused on that week. You don’t have to do it perfectly, just act out the habit in some small but meaningful way.
I can’t overstate how important it is to spend a few minutes setting up some infrastructure, like a checklist and a daily calendar item, before you start Intentional Fathering practice. You don’t want your fatherhood intentions to get overwhelmed by the daily grind.
So if you’re serious about Intentional Fathering, make a checklist, and calendar 15 minutes a day to work on one of these habits. I promise you’ll be glad you did.
Thanks for committing to becoming a better father. It’s the most important work you’ll ever do.
Additional Resources
Deep Work: Computer science whiz Cal Newport lays out simple steps you can take to develop more focus, so that you accomplish far more than you ever thought possible. As a bonus, check out his speech urging us all to give up social media.
The Chain Method. A simple way to get a trend of habit-following going, based on the wisdom of Jerry Seinfeld. Not even kidding.
Getting Things Done. When fully implemented, David Allen’s simple, powerful system for getting control of your every personal and professional obligation is transformational.
Life Planning. Leadership coach Michael Hyatt offers a step-by-step process for clarifying what you want to achieve in key domains of life like your marriage, your relationships with family members, and your legacy.
The Power of Habit: Charles Duhigg breaks down where habits come from, and simple steps we can take to replace bad habits with good ones. This is essential if you’re plagued, like many men, with distractions that prevent you from focusing more intently on your children. You might also like Duhigg’s interview at The Art of Manliness.
Tiny Habits: Small habit-mastery steps from Stanford behavioral researcher B.J. Fogg.
Todoist: Free to-do list platform that allows you to create and categorize tasks (you could make one called Fathering, for example), calendar them with built-in reminders, and even track your progress at accomplishing the goals you set for yourself.