After you’ve finished reading this sentence, I want you to close your eyes for 30 seconds, and listen as carefully as you can for every sound around you, near and far.
Did you do it? Or did you assume you already know the point I’m going to make? That you’ve already noticed all those sounds. That you’re too damned busy to spend 30 seconds not reading the website you barely have time for as it is.
So look, it’s okay if you didn’t do it, because I’m not your kid. But be wary of those reasons, because they creep into how we treat our children, and I’m here to tell you, dads, our kids can smell it on us.
Our impatience. Our boredom. Our stress. The
way our thoughts keep drifting to more pressing matters than whatever it is
they’re trying to tell us about their Legos or Fortnite or whatever stupid
thing one of their goofy classmates said during lunch at school.
When she was three, my daughter had this sweet practice, whenever she could
tell I wasn’t really listening to her, of taking my face in her little hands,
and redirecting it back to her. You know, the way we parents often do, when our
child’s attention is wandering and we really need him to focus on the task at
hand. On what’s more important than whatever he wants to pay attention to
instead.
And the thing is, I can’t remember now what it was that was distracting me, in those moments when Caroline turned my face back to her. It seemed so important at the time. And months later, she was dead, from a brain tumor.
What I’m saying is that maybe we’ve been getting it backwards, dads. We think we know what’s more and less important, but maybe it’s us who are the distracted ones, unable to focus on what’s really important.
And look, I’m not saying that you should listen to your kids more because they might die. I’m saying you should listen to them more because they’re almost certainly going to live, and you want to be a part of their lives.
Don’t you?
They want to be known by you. Children are open and trusting, until we adults teach
them to be guarded and private. To be ashamed of what they like, of their
dreams, of their fears. I’m not saying you need to affirm every ridiculous
thing that comes out of their mouths, I’m just saying that you want to be a
safe harbor. You are a safe harbor, until you stop listening.
And let’s face it, dads, many of us have stopped listening, no matter what we tell ourselves. Our kids aren’t stupid; they know when we’re tuning them out. So this habit is about carving out some time to really listen. Not so you can lecture and correct them, but so you can know them. There will be plenty of time for lectures later. And you know what? They’ll be more inclined to hear what you have to say about things, when they feel safe telling you what’s in their own hearts.
Look your child in the eyes when she speaks. Don’t assume you know what she really thinks and feels. Listen as if you’re meeting her for the first time. Listen as if this is the last time you’ll hear her voice.
Additional Resources
24 Better Questions To Ask Kids About How Their Day Went. Art of Manliness founder Brett McKay and his wife Kate offer sound advice on how to get our kids talking at the end of the day.
Active Listening for Parents. Genevieve Simperingham at the Peaceful Parent Institute shows our children listen as well as they’re listened to, and offers guidance to improve both how we listen and how we get heard.
The Art of Listening Well: This is a classic article with a handful of practical steps that will make you a better listener in minutes.
The Art of Noticing: Robert Walker offers dozens of exercises to engages our senses in noticing the thousands of things we either take for granted, or don’t realize exist at all. This is also a great resource for finding things to do with your children outdoors.
The Big 6 Active Listening Skills. Even though the Center for Creative Leadership is focused on skills for the workplace, this is a really helpful primer for thinking about how to be a better listener in any context.
Fascinating Facts About Eye Contact. Dr. Carol Gorman lays out the effects of too much or too little eye contact and explains how to get it just right.
The Skill of Listening. Experts at The Center for Parenting Education offer realistic scenarios to illustrate good vs. bad parental listening, along with practical steps a parent can take to listen so that his child feels heard.