If I had to sum up Intentional Fathering so it fits on a bumper sticker, I think I would do it this way:
Actions speak louder than words.
Think about it—the men and women you admire are almost certainly people of purposeful action. Meaning that they don’t just talk about what they think is important, nor do they fill their lives with endless distractions posing as “an active lifestyle.” Instead, they marry their convictions to their behaviors.
Anything worth believing is worth living. The flip-side of that coin is that how we live is what people believe about us. We all know men who imagine they’re nice guys, but who’ve left behind them a string of people they’ve hurt, deceived, and taken advantage of. We all know people who “believe” in eating healthily, but somehow manage to scarf down sodas and potato chips every week. And God knows we’ve all met people who believe in a loving Creator, but who trample all over their brothers and sisters.
No matter what we tell ourselves and others, the way we live out our lives is what defines us.
And if anyone can sniff out hypocrisy, it’s children. Meaning that while we may fool the rest of the world, we’re not fooling them. Not for long. We can shower them with “I love you’s,” but what they’ll believe—and remember—is not what we say, but what we do. And if there’s one behavior that exemplifies a father living out love for his children, it’s the habit of bringing them alongside him.
This shouldn’t surprise many of you. You bear the wounds, as do I, that come from years of neglect by our own fathers. Broken promises. Work prioritized over family. Time spent gazing at the TV instead of doing things with us.
To bring our children alongside is to draw them into our lives. It’s to show them that even though we’re busy and have many responsibilities, we want them with us.
And look, I know this slows us down. It’s a lot easier to paint a wall if you don’t have some little kid getting underfoot. You can get in and out of the hardware store faster if you don’t have to buckle and unbuckle your children, take them to the bathroom while you’re there, and say No to the 50 things they’re going to ask you to buy for them.
But brothers, let’s face it—we’re never getting it all done anyway. We’re going to die with unfinished To-Do lists. For God’s sake, let’s not die with unfinished relationships. Because on that last day, nobody—least of all us—is going to give a damn about whether the paint got rolled onto that wall as smoothly as it could have.
What’s going to matter—what’s going to endure after us—are the investments of time we made in our children’s lives.
And like everything else here, this is a habit that will take work. None of us can flip a switch and suddenly be a dad who is more patient, comfortable with getting fewer things done, and willing to let his children screw up his projects. Just start small. Pick one thing you’re going to get done this week, and commit to taking one or more of your children along with you.
Next week, pick two ways to bring them alongside. Gradually work up to a habit of never running an errand without a child in tow. Of using every home project or chore as an opportunity to teach.
And, if we’re being honest, to learn. Because as you bring your children alongside you more, you’ll find that they open your eyes to the world, to their inner lives, and to yourself, for better and worse.
It’s not for the faint-hearted, all this fathering stuff. But if you were a sissy you wouldn’t be here. So let’s get to it.
Additional Resources
If you’re at a loss for what on your own schedule or to-do list you can bring your children along for, check out our DIY page for ideas about what to do with your children.