On Leaning Into Their Lives

Let’s dispense with what this habit is not. It’s not about prying. It’s not about contriving or forcing intimacy. It isn’t striving for a Big Sharing Moment with your kids because you want to close a gap that’s grown between you.

I’ve seen dads try that. Maybe you have, too. It’s unseemly and desperate and false. And the ugliest truth of all? It’s about them, not their children. It’s about a feeling they’re chasing, or a desire for a quick fix, because it hurts to confront the truth, sometimes, about how little some of our children trust us with their lives.

But remember, we’re in the business of daily habits here, not grand gestures. We’re gradually transforming ourselves, so we can be transformative in the lives of our children.

Think of it like this: Suppose you’re an unmuscled man who wants to bench-press 200 pounds. Do you start with 200 pounds on the bar? Hell no; you’ll look like a fool. Start with 100 pounds, or 75, or 25—whatever strengthens rather than injures you. Whatever doesn’t endanger the poor souls in your vicinity.

Photo by Kay on Unsplash

Fathers, it’s the same with our kids. Some of us are at a place where we can bench-press 200 pounds, but we want to get to 250. Some of us can barely lift the bar by itself. Manliness demands that we acknowledge the truth about ourselves, then get to the daily work of improvement.

And love demands it, too.

So we start by asking our children some simple, non-threatening questions about what’s going on in their lives. Something like: “What’s your favorite song right now?”

Or: “What’s the best thing you’ve had to read for school this year?”

Or: “If you could only eat one thing for breakfast every day for the rest of your life, what would it be?”

And let me tell you, if you aren’t sure whether you’re the dad who can bench 200 pounds or the dad who can only bench 20 pounds, this is a quick way to find out. If simple questions like these elicit suspicion or guarded responses, brother, you’ve got some gym time ahead of you.

Some of you—especially the ones with teenagers—know what I’m talking about. We ask them what they’re planning to do with their Saturday morning, and they respond like we’re subjecting them to an inquisition.

And gee whiz, dads, why do you think they would do that? Why would they assume we aren’t just asking a simple question, but instead are teeing them up for judgment about how they spend their time, or a list of instructions about how we want them to spend their Saturday morning?

Could it be because they’re not used to hearing interest or enthusiasm from us? That instead they’re accustomed to condemnation and commands?

Whatever you believe about the strength of your relationship with your children, start small with this habit. You want to know you’re on a solid ground of trust as you work your way—over a course of days or weeks or maybe months—from the breakfast question to “How are things at school?” to “What do you want to accomplish by the time you’re my age?” to “Are you happy with your life right now?”

Photo by Steve Shreve on Unsplash

In other words, think of this list of questions as your exercise plan. You can’t work on the questions that require greater intimacy until you’ve seen some progress in how much emotional weight you can lift with them. But you can have in mind where you’re headed.

Then get about the daily work of asking, and listening. Not responding to what they tell you with judgment or advice (which more often than not is judgment in disguise). The child psychologist Adam Price says that the best way to get our children to talk is to close our mouths. Let’s all give it a try.

Additional Resources

24 Better Questions. Art of Manliness founder Brett McKay and his wife Kate offer sound advice on how to get our kids talking at the end of the day.

Crucial Conversations. This video offers insights from one of the co-authors of the bestselling book and training regimen used by hundreds of organizations to facilitate better communication around hard topics. Plenty here is applicable to conversations in the home.